Blah. That’s the only word to really describe how I’m feeling now. I don’t want to feel this way (who does?), but what can I do?
Between working, running errands, and being bombarded with emails from McMaster about TA orientations and mandatory grad student sessions (which subsequently make me worry about the impending roller-coaster of academia), I’ve hardly had any quality time to myself. I’m still trying to finish the same novel that I started weeks ago, and I must say that this is quite a record low for me. I sort of have to wonder what I’ve become. Busy, I guess.
Besides all that, though, I’ve been feeling a certain sense of dread, but I can’t pinpoint it exactly to a certain cause. I’d have to say it’s an amalgamation of several things, none of which I really feel like going into right now. A predominant sense of uncertainty has been dwelling at the back of my mind, and while it is dormant for the most part, there will be random moments in which it will flare up and make me panic a bit. And I realize that there is nothing I can really do to alleviate these personal mental emergencies of mine. Will time be able to mitigate its severity? I don’t know.
Despite how emotionally tumultuous I’m feeling, though, I am comforted by the small moments that make me smile and appreciate all there is in life. Like talking to and confiding in the people I love and trust, no matter how far away they are. And having friends who I feel comfortable around enough to be girly, silly, nerdy, and vulnerable. Or heck, even that cute boy at the grocery store who, upon having interacted with me a few times about the almond milk I regularly purchase, said “Hello!” to me the last time I was in.
I think I’ve come to realize that, on a very fundamental level, people just want to feel needed and appreciated. When I feel like I’m important to someone else’s life (in what ever manner that may be), I experience a sense of warmth and fulfillment that, quite frankly, is priceless. It’s so incredibly easy to take things and people for granted when we go through life in an almost automaton-like, routine fashion. Tell those who matter to you how much they mean to you and just how much you appreciate them. You may think they probably already know, but it’s always nice to hear - just in case.
