Fiona's Musings

The sun emerged, and it was a new day…

Feeling much better now. I find I suddenly have a renewed vigour for life. I’m so incredibly appreciative that I have my beloved friends and boyfriend to carry me through bad days like the one I was having over the weekend. I can’t explain how absolutely horrible I was feeling that day, but I felt so cathartic and relieved after having a good cry and talking to the ones who care about me.

Today is a quiet morning, with just the soft whirr of the fan in the living room and popo’s snoring being the only background noise in our house. Poor grandma seems to have come down with a cold, which can probably be attributed to the fact that our air conditioning was on and blasting for days, and it was just too much for her old defenses. I’ve come to realize just how much I take my grandmother for granted sometimes. She does the majority of the housekeeping and takes care of all of us by cooking for us, cleaning, and doing the laundry. Even when she was feeling sick today, she still rose bright and early to cook our meals for us (making sure to prepare a vegetarian dish for me, of course). While she can be cranky and persnickety, I can’t deny how much she’s done for all of us.

Just finished a bit of cleaning, and plan to spend the rest of the time before I have to work in the evening catching up on the several days’ worth of newspapers I’ve yet to read, as well as a novel I’ve been meaning to immerse myself in.

The glories of emotional turmoil

I was just vacuuming and suddenly began to tear up. I guess I’ve been a little emotionally unstable these days, or maybe I’m just PMSing. And having had long talks with friends this past week has really opened up a whole bunch of questions that I’ve been dreading to even address. But maybe they’re necessary. I just don’t want to have to deal with it right now. And I want to say that everything is fine, that everything is okay, that I’m okay, OK?

I was feeling kind of shitty last night too, and I tried to brush it off, but I’m not sure if it worked. Someone told me that I’m human, and that it’s okay, even natural, for me to have needs and wants, and to vocalize them. Before this came to my realization, I had always possessed a guilt complex. I never felt like I was worth anyone’s attention or care, because I didn’t want to feel like I was inconveniencing or troubling people in any way. I hate to have people go out of their way for me, because I fear that they may lord it over me in the future or they’ll find me a demanding nuisance. But I never came to terms with this. It had been dormant, buried away inside myself. It breaks my heart, but it’s hard to tell this to anyone.

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Sometimes it’s just hard, y’know?

Going to try my best to embrace everything that life has to offer. One of my worst fears in high school was that I would eventually become complacent, and sink into a level of mediocrity that I had always regarded with disdain. A love of learning, a sense of curiosity and wonder, are qualities that I wish to retain, always.

On a more random note, something I’ve always looked forward to was getting the mail. I absolutely LOVE snail mail. Every morning, I look forward to checking my mailbox just to see if anything has come for me. Most of the time it’s just junk mail or bank statements or bills, but I always experience a feeling of warmth whenever I have anything unexpected addressed to me. These couple of days have been pretty blah in terms of mail… and yesterday, there was no mail at all (probably because of the dangerously high temperatures outside)! It seems that these days, everyone finds email and other forms of communication online quicker and more effective, but I have to say that nothing beats the feeling of opening up a letter that someone has taken the effort to manually write (and thoughtfully mail) to you.

Hmph.

To my dear grandma: Please stop accusing me of having no appetite and losing weight, ‘cause neither of those are true. I know you care about me, but I’m getting really annoyed by these false accusations.

Worrywart

As school looms, I find myself becoming more and more anxious. I suppose this is only natural, considering that I’ve been away from the academic world for over a year, and also that I’ll be starting something that will be completely new and foreign to me. I’ve been nagging myself to start preparing for grad school, but then again I’m not quite sure how I should go about doing that. I need to start exploring possible thesis topics, but to be honest, a large part of me just wants to not think about school until September rolls around. Summer is short enough as it is, and I’d like to enjoy what’s left of it.

But what scares me is that I feel myself becoming intellectually lazy and passive. I haven’t really been strict with myself in that respect. I was looking at some of my old essays today, and couldn’t help but wonder, “Who wrote these?” I’ve been slacking off so much, though, that it’s difficult to believe that I ever wrote anything so academically engaging. I’m hoping that this will all change once I actually start grad school. And I’m pretty sure it will. It’s just a matter of getting into an environment that’ll be conducive to intellectual challenge and stimulation. Once I’m around professors and other like-minded students, and once I’m exposed to challenging material that will demand the use of parts of my brain that have gone dormant for now, I’ll be okay. All in good time.

For now, I suppose I should just enjoy the rest of summer. Unfortunately, the ephemeral nature of summer has been revealing itself, because it seems that the days dwindle away much too quickly. I’m disappointed that I haven’t really done many summery things thus far, other than consuming an inordinate amount of seasonal fruit (berries, cherries, you name it). I hope to be able to get together with my friends more often and just indulge. Haven’t found the time to play my uke, either. Sigh.

I resolve to stop worrying so much about things I can’t really control, and to savour these short days of summer as much as humanly possible.