Fiona's Musings

Oct 1, 2011

I am proud of myself for being so strong. I am grateful for my family and friends, who care so much about me and my well-being. They are a real blessing.

I am an intelligent, beautiful, and caring individual. I am worthy. And I’m damn proud of it.

Sep. 27

“Only connect! That was the whole of her sermon. Only connect the prose and the passion, and both will be exalted, and human love will be seen at its highest. Live in fragments no longer.” - E.M. Forster’s Howards End

Sep 26, 2011

Can’t concentrate. Have no appetite. A lingering sadness envelops me. Frustrated, confused, scared. Please, make it go away.

Sep. 25: In need of illumination

See, it’s really difficult. I could try to explain all the reasons why, but I think that’d be pretty futile.

What do you do when you’ve done all that is in your power, but the result is non-existent? And mulling over the things you haven’t done - what if that simply doesn’t make sense? Doesn’t make human sense, I mean?

I’m not trying to be selfish here, and I apologize if it may appear that way. But I just don’t believe in giving in and putting myself at another’s mercy when I know I’ll just be miserable. Have I tried? Yes. Did it work? No. Did I feel terrible? Yes.

Am I too impatient? Is that it? I’m still waiting, hopefully. Perhaps foolishly.

Compromise is important, but we run into problems when the terms aren’t balanced. What is obscuring our vision? Why can’t we see? What’s making it so hard?

It is a labour of love, indeed.

Sep. 18, 2011

Thank goodness for amazing friends. I know you’ll get me through the tough times <3

Has not been a terribly productive weekend in terms of getting school work done, but I’m working on it. Haven’t been sleeping very well lately, either. School is draining me out, but I’ve got to find it in myself to keep going. I wish there were more hours in a day so that I could get more done AND get the proper rest I need, too.

Back to the books I go!

August 20th: Bilious filth

After trying to comfort myself and attempting to end the day on a positive note last night, I’m not feeling significantly better today. It sucks, I know. Went to sleep late last night, slept fitfully, and am currently feeling like I’ve had no sleep whatsoever. Ick.

I feel unsettled, and like something’s not quite right. And the worst part is, I have no idea how to go about correcting it. I’m so tired — physically, mentally, emotionally. I’m spent, I’m exhausted. And I feel like I’m always running around trying to accommodate and please everyone, and no matter how much I do it’s just never enough. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. I hate myself for being so foolish and so silly. What the hell am I doing and where do I think it’s getting me? Absolutely nowhere.

Not to sound ungrateful, but I’d just like to have it easy for once. Why is the onus always on me to do everything and to take initiative? I’m so goddammned sick of it, and it’d be really nice to sit back and have someone do things for me every once in awhile. I’m so tired of doing all the fucking babysitting, and I’ve had about enough of it. Give me a break, for goodness’ sake. I’ve grown tired of all the excuses, and I don’t want to fall for them anymore. I’m human, and I think I deserve to be treated as such. Sometimes I just feel too tired to care anymore, but then I’ll feel myself softening up and letting people take advantage of me all over again. I don’t want to be such a pushover.

I don’t want to feel worthless, ‘cause I know I’m not. If you respect me enough, then show it.

I think that’s enough frustration and vitriol for a blog post. I just hope I feel better, because I feel like utter crap right now and I just hate everything right now.

It just makes human sense

Blah. That’s the only word to really describe how I’m feeling now. I don’t want to feel this way (who does?), but what can I do?

Between working, running errands, and being bombarded with emails from McMaster about TA orientations and mandatory grad student sessions (which subsequently make me worry about the impending roller-coaster of academia), I’ve hardly had any quality time to myself. I’m still trying to finish the same novel that I started weeks ago, and I must say that this is quite a record low for me. I sort of have to wonder what I’ve become. Busy, I guess.

Besides all that, though, I’ve been feeling a certain sense of dread, but I can’t pinpoint it exactly to a certain cause. I’d have to say it’s an amalgamation of several things, none of which I really feel like going into right now. A predominant sense of uncertainty has been dwelling at the back of my mind, and while it is dormant for the most part, there will be random moments in which it will flare up and make me panic a bit. And I realize that there is nothing I can really do to alleviate these personal mental emergencies of mine. Will time be able to mitigate its severity? I don’t know.

Despite how emotionally tumultuous I’m feeling, though, I am comforted by the small moments that make me smile and appreciate all there is in life. Like talking to and confiding in the people I love and trust, no matter how far away they are. And having friends who I feel comfortable around enough to be girly, silly, nerdy, and vulnerable. Or heck, even that cute boy at the grocery store who, upon having interacted with me a few times about the almond milk I regularly purchase, said “Hello!” to me the last time I was in.

I think I’ve come to realize that, on a very fundamental level, people just want to feel needed and appreciated. When I feel like I’m important to someone else’s life (in what ever manner that may be), I experience a sense of warmth and fulfillment that, quite frankly, is priceless. It’s so incredibly easy to take things and people for granted when we go through life in an almost automaton-like, routine fashion. Tell those who matter to you how much they mean to you and just how much you appreciate them. You may think they probably already know, but it’s always nice to hear - just in case.

Wed. Aug. 3, 2011

We’re into August already? C’mon, now. Why must you be so fleeting, summer?

Anywho, these past few days have been good. On Monday, I skyped with a few of my friends, and I thoroughly enjoyed doing so. It felt incredibly wonderful catching up with them and seeing their faces, and to be filled in on the drama gracing their lives at the moment.

One of the friends I was skyping with asked me if I still write, because while we were talking to each other, I made a couple of amusing analogies and striking plays on words, and she just loved them. We were both giggling over them like a couple of little girls, but oh goodness, it was fantastic. Regrettably, I don’t really write on a regular basis anymore - not anything of the creative sort, at least. It sucks, though, that I get so caught up in life that I rarely have any time to engage in what used to be a favourite pastime of mine. I’m convinced that ever since I entered university and started becoming acclimatized to stiff, formal, and academic writing, my prose has begun to mirror the academic articles and journals that I’ve been exposed to. Hopefully I’ll find something to re-inspire my creativity, though.

Other than that, it’s been pretty lax over on my end. The sky is overcast today, and it looks pretty ominous for a shower or a thunderstorm later. Those can be kind of fun, especially when you’re indoors and comfortable, watching the downpour and listening to the rumblings of the storm from your bedroom window. A small pleasure in life that is welcomed from time to time :)

Health and happiness

Was at the pharmacy the other day, and an elderly, overweight woman came in. She immediately announced that her doctor told her she would die if she didn’t lose weight. She also revealed that she’s smoking, and her doctor would like her to quit. As she was standing beside me, she began chatting to me about how difficult it is for her to eat healthily and how addicted she is to smoking. It was clear that this woman was taking a whole host of medications to manage her health problems. My heart went out to her, and I offered her some tips on how she could lead a healthier lifestyle. Make a grocery list and stick to it. Don’t venture down the junk food aisles. Buy whole grain bread, not white. Stick to fruit for dessert. I sincerely hope she will take some of my advice. All she could do after my suggestions was say, “I wish I had a slim figure like you. Don’t ever get fat.”

I think my heart broke a little for her. But this encounter also made me appreciate my good health and my predilection for things that are good for my body. And yes, I am thankful for maintaining an ideal weight. I’m determined to stay this way, and I hope I’ll be able to. Everyone has had body image issues before, I’m sure, and I’m no exception. But I’ve come to realize that I’m quite happy with the way I look. I’m proportionate, and that’s good enough for me.